Good evening, PaleoPosse.
Today I would like to share with you a bad habit of mine…
On any given trip to Wal Mart and Target, no matter what I happened to be there to buy, I always end up making my way back to the Electronics section… Maybe it’s a ritual from my childhood (I’ll be at the super nintendo Mom!! Come get me when you’re done shopping!), maybe it’s instinctual, or maybe it’s simply the smell of shiny plastic and ozone… Whatever the case, this habit is not healthy.
Ahh the memories…
Now, I consider myself to be a fairly frugal person. I don’t often make impulse purchases, or buy too many unnecessary things. I’m the kind of guy that believes, even though I am surrounded by technology every second of every day, I could survive an apocalypse that wipes out all technology.
But now that I have a CAREER, and I make enough money to be able to make a few stupid tiny purchases a month without too much remorse, I have found myself drawn more and more frequently… TO THE BLU RAY AISLE. Dun dun duuuuuhh.
Lucky for me however, it seems like the Blu Ray shelves are being filled with old-ass, CRAP movies that make me nautious enough to stay my thirst for the blood of new 1080p content…at least for a little while.
So in order to keep my hunger at bay for a little while longer (at least until my wedding is over!), I have prepared an utterly disgusting list of movies that REALLY didn’t need to be transferred to Blu Ray.
1) The Blair Witch Project
First of all, this was a terrible movie. The reason it remains in our cultural consciousness is not because it was revolutionary or new, it was because it was BAD… but it seems like people have forgotten that important fact, because apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to release on Blu-Ray!
I’m so…scared of the people that actually bought this movie…right now
Secondly, this movie was apparently shot with a old 35mm camera, at around 15 frames per second, with Vaseline smeared on the lens. In fact, the quality was SO bad that the producers edited the film to make it look better on Blu-Ray: If you stand close enough to the screen, and look into the snot-bubble from the girl who is “Sooo scared right now…” you’ll see the words “LOL WE PAID SOME KIDS 100$ TO SHOOT THIS SHITTY MOVIE AND YOU JUST PAID ME 20$ TO WATCH IT KTHXBYE”.
(That was completely fictional and totally made up. But really, it says that.)
2) Any Movie Made Before The 70’s
Right now, Amazon.com’s Blu Ray store lists 69 movies from the 1950’s. Sure there are some classics in there that people still watch today, like “A Christmas Carol“, the original Godzilla movie “Gojira“, and “Singin’ in the Rain“. But there are also some movies that I’m sure were bad even in the 1950’s, like “Earth Vs. the Flying Saucers“, “The Walls of Malapaga“, and “20 Million Miles To Earth“.
Redhead: Oh save me, Brock!!! Brock: *sniff* Did you fart or something?
Listen movie companies. If there hasn’t been a remake, it’s not an original Disney cartoon, and it’s not a “classic”, the only people who want to watch the movie (read: OLD PEOPLE. Ew.) probably have no idea how to operate a Blu Ray player, do not recognize the fact that it’s different than a DVD, and almost surely have such poor eyesight that they couldn’t tell the difference anyway. JUST DON’T BOTHER.
3) Good Luck Chuck
You can go ahead and file this under, “Any of the 800,000 totally forgettable romantic comedies from the 1990’s and 2000’s”, or even under “All movies starring Dane Cook.” Sure, this movie probably used modern cameras that could benefit from the added quality of a Blu Ray release, but aside from the scenes where Jessica Alba is almost naked, your typical romantic comedy consists of 80% close up face-shots, 10% full-body “oops I did something stupid” shots, and 10% poorly lit make-out scenes. (I prefer romantic encounters to be fully illuminated…For the sake of documentation)
Look at that shameless exploitation of Jessica Alba’s … personalities.
In any case…If you were stupid enough to buy this movie or any like it on DVD, there’s certainly no reason why you would upgrade to a Blu Ray copy of this movie… and since Adam Sandler is producing “RomComs” at a rate of 2 per month, if you were in the mood for a romantic comedy, there’s no way you would buy this movie over something more recent. SO WHO IN THE HELL IS GOING TO BUY THIS ON BLU RAY!? NO ONE!!!
4) Yanni Live – The Concert Event
ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME!?!?!?
5) Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed
LOL @ Ben Stein. No, you cannot have my money.
BONUS) Battlefield Earth
OMG, this movie… Oh wait, false alarm, this one is NOT out on Blu Ray. WHEW!!!